You are real and you matter, even if people can’t always see you.
"I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re too crazy or your past is too much for me. like I cannot deny that those things exist and that they suck massive donk, but they’re a really big part of how you got to be who you are now and I will always have the time and the patience to wait for you to find your voice and let me know what’s wrong. it fuckin’ breaks my heart to see you so horribly upset and not be able to do anything for you. I think you are very brave and a very very good person and even if other people think you’re crazy, I fucking love spending time with you and I’ve enjoyed like every moment you’re smiling with me to possibly gross amounts."
His response to my long winded sobby okay heres why im upset yada yada stalker stockholmes forced pregnancy abortion yada yada abuse yada yada no sense of self blah blah scared blah.
Upon review, i was clearly tripping out. Pardon my psychosis or whatever caused the post, as i dont remember posting it.
It does make sense to me though, the display picture of me on here is mostly black, the one on my main blog is mostly white, and the one on my poetry blog goes black and white photo, bar of colour photography, black and white. If ya go look youll get it
Just realized the pic i use for fiftyshades is super dark, and the one i use for stalkershandbook is very white.
I suppose thats fitting since thats my personal blog full of rants, cool shit, feminism, nerd stuff and cute animals. This ones my bpd blog.
Oh and lepizzaslut my poetry blog is very 2/3 b&w and 1/3 colour. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Freakin myself out here.
Ive just been having a really tough time in my feminism because of my mental health. Imagine being a woman who was born with 2 x chromosomes and female reproductive organs, only to suffer years of abuse which probably wouldnt have happened had i been a boy, and recently suffered a situation that went harassment -> stalking -> stockholms -> abuse -> rape resulting in pregnancy -> abuse that could have caused a miscarriage -> abortion due to my mental health, inability to care for a child, and my meds which cause birth defect -> abuse -> getting the fuck out of that situation, a situation which would not have ever happened had i been male, only to be told by trans women that i have somehow been bestowed this divine privilege as being born female and not needing reassignment, that i am somehow blessed that i dont need to fight for womanhood like they do (yet i have to against them because me calling myself a woman offends them), and that im cis scum and deserve to die because of a birth i didnt choose. I didnt choose to be born, born female, or born bpd. None of my birth is my doing. They perpetuate violence and say that my ego is fragile because them being woman seems to threaten my womanhood. You were brought up under the assumption youd follow the patriarchal stereotype of maleness, you were not socialized to be subserviant and afraid of men. You have been harassed and abused by other men for identifying as a WOMAN, not because you were born and brought up as one. You were brought up w male privilege you have chosen to toss out, and somehow i as a woman am the cause for your pain? Blame the fucking patriarchy not the fucking uterus that brought you into this fucked up world. I am so weak mentally, and i truly apologize for upsetting anyone, but i am fucking SICK. I am my own worst enemy, i dont care if you fucking hate me and want me to die, I HATE ME. I HAVE WANTED TO DIE SINCE MY MOTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 6 YEARS OLD. There is nothing you can do that i have not done to myself or that someone has not already done to me. Ive seen it all. My body is your fucking battlefield and i just want the shit to stop. If someone wanted to be a woman so badly as to abuse women for having what they do not, here, take mine. I dont fucking need it. I cant fucking have kids of my own anyways unless i wana die and not be there to take care of them cos of post partum, being off meds for 9 months, my being tiny and anemic, and my suicidal ideations. You cant carry kids of your own because you have a medically made vagina, cry me a fucking river, i cant have fucking kids because MY BRAIN WONT FUCKING ALLOW ME TO BE MENTALLY STABLE ENOUGH TO DO SO. You cant because you cant, i cant because im not selfish enough to risk my life, and my childs life, all for the 40% chance they might luck out and not be bpd. I cant because its unfair to bring a child into a cruel world where they have to suffer like i did. I cant because i shouldnt, not because i dont want to. I talk about kids woth my boyfriend and the entire conversation im trying to not cry by forcibly forgetting my decision.
I am struggling to be a respectful feminist.
I am struggling to be stable.
I am struggling to be empathetic and joyful.
I am struggling to be a fucking person and i just want it to be 3pm tomorrow so i can see my fucking boyfriend and cry my eyes out in the safety of his hug and the safe environment he creates for me. Im deeply sorrowed, to the depths of my being, and i dont know how i am supposed to fight for things that right, when i am losing the fight inside of me. I dont think i have ever cried so hard as when ive been in the shower and touch my stomach, only to be reminded that the only baby that will likely have ever resided in my uterus is the child of an alpha abusive rapist stalker, who has never suffered financial hardships or oppression, a child that is gone and will never know that awful person, who will never look in the mirror and feel disgusted by the fact their father is a monster.
I just want to be with my love right now, but ive got to wait and my heart is screaming at my mind to stop hurting me.
My mother is dead, so you aegument is invalid. That and the most she ever weighed was 120lbs and that was 8 months pregnant with me. So. Scoot.